The Pyramid Scheme.

As I write this, I think of what someone said to me today: there is no "I" in team. Well... I disagree. But it's because of the nature of this particular film we're working on. There is so little respect, there are giant egos at work and with that, the abuse of power.

And then I think of what my honey said to me over the phone: "die kak kom van bo af", meaning the shit comes from the top.

Absolutely.

The director is giving the designer a shovel-full of it, so he snaps at me. I want to yelp with the injustice of it all, so I end up snapping at the swing gang. The difference perhaps being that I love those guys. So I apologize. The driver says to me: It's okay Lil, I understand. You know when I get home and my little daughter is noisy, I row with her and I tell her to sit still for just one moment!

That's when it all came crashing down on top of me.

The consequences of everything we do. And say.

I don't want to be a part of this pyramid of shit.

 I had a sweet respite last Saturday, when I went to do a booking with our friend the collector. There were no other customers and it was just like the old days: we sat down with a small, strong cup of coffee and had a bit of a gossip. The weather blew and crashed outside. He told me about his take on fame - that he understands why stars are so difficult.
"If you don't distance yourself and make a stand, people will walk right over you"

I guess. It must be hard to stay nice when you're in a position of power. But what if you weren't even nice to start with?
 

Worry and sleepless nights... white noise helps sometimes - I put on a loop of waves crashing on a beach somewhere and it lulls me for a while.
 

Alas, I will never be this guy, sleeping on the job, on a noisy city street:

Everywhere, the little cars.
They make me smile.
  

How I miss that long-legged man.
He has been away for so long.